Preface:
I finally got those villagers to leave the castle grounds. I wonder if those howling Banshees I released had anything to do with it. Oh well! Anyway, it is now quiet around here and I can finally sit down to relate some pop culture madness to all you PCR junkies (of which I am one). Let's see: Gather around O children of the night and listen to a tale of apes gone wild. We're talking "Planet Of The Apes" here and we will accept no substitutions. Yes, the legend has been reborn (to the tune of 68.5 million in one week at the box office). This time the apes are not a follow-up from what has gone before. This is a completely new vision inspired by the Pierre Boulle novel of the same name. Marky Mark sand the Monkey Bunch did not let us down but I fear Director Tim Burton has. I have already seen this opus twice (as I am a big fan of the series) and though I really enjoyed this new vision I felt it was lacking in several areas. Just to be fair I will say that I did not compare it to the earlier run of Ape films. I left all of my action figures (both 6" and 12"), comics, b/w magazines, playsets, coloring books, gum cards, cookie jars, etc... at home. They would not sway my vote one way or the other. I left the house with an open mind, full of enthusiasm, just as I had in the late sixties when I left the same house to see the original at the Carib Theatre in downtown Clearwater. But I digress. I managed to gather a group of ten close friends (including PCR's own Deadguy) to enjoy a night with the apes. The movie was very good and the action moved the plot along nicely but there was something missing. It wasn't until the end of the movie, when most everyone asked me to explain the ending, that I realized I couldn't answer them. Now before I continue I have to say that if you haven't already seen the movie (shame on you) then you may not want to read the rest of this review. Consider this a major spoiler warning. Remember, you have been told. Okay, here we go...

The complete movie in detail
The plot is as follows; An astronaut Leo (Mark Wahlberg aka Marky Mark) has been part of a team that is training apes to pilot space probes somewhere in space around a ringed planet. These apes are smart and have been genetically altered for the job (1). A huge magnetic space storm screws with the space station and they decide to send one of the chimps (Pericles) into the storm, via Alpha Pod (2), to take readings. When the chimp disappears Leo sneaks out in Delta pod (3) in search of the genetically enhanced simian. He is sucked into one of the storms vortices and is deposited at the other end in the future. The pod crashlands on the planet quickly sinking to the bottom of a shallow pond. Leo escapes and no sooner does he get out of the water when he is tossed into the middle of a melee between apes and humans. No build up, nothing. He is easily captured along with several other humans,and taken to Ape City. There he comes into contact with human sympathizer Ari, a very human looking chimpanzee. He becomes the servant of Ari's father's household along with the beautiful Estelle Warren. He finds out that all the humans speak and before long, with Ari's help they make their escape into the desert where they find a strange wreakage. All the while they are hunted by General Thade (Tim Roth) and his faithul commander Attar (Michael Clark Duncan). Anyway, the wreakage turns out to be the remains of the Space Station which crashed on the planet thousands of years prior. (didn't they learn with Mir). Leo goes into the ship and the nuclear reactors are still operational. There are some distorted entries into a video log (4) which Leo (and us, hopefully) listen to. Not long afterwards the Ape army arrives and a major battle ensues, Leo using what is left of the stations fuel reserves to act as a giant flame thrower, blasting the first wave of charging chimps to bits, much to the surprise of the enraged General Thade. This scene was very well done as apes could be seen being tossed like confetti from a party popper. This buys them minutes only and soon the apes are once again on the charge. During the vicious battle (which the apes seem to be winning) something appears in the sky, stopping the battle. It is Alpha Pod and its precious cargo, Pericles. The apes (all except Thade) take it as a sign that the great Semos has returned as prophecised. There is more but suffice it to say that Leo retraces his path through the magnetic storm to his own time and lays a course for earth (those Pods really get around). He crashlands yet again on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Surprise. Whose marble figure is seen sitting on the throne? You guessed it; General Thade. In short order Leo is surrounded by gorillas driving police cruisers. And that, my dears, is where the story lost everybody.

Here it is: my theory
Okay, here is my version of what happened between the sheets, I mean scenes. The key is in the Pods (and some well placed lines). In the movie we are shown Alpha and Delta Pods. What about the Beta and Charlie Pods? There had to be a reason to jump from A to D. Anyway, the apes make the statement about the great Semos and how he would one day return to them. Semos is also mentioned by the crew of the space station. Now, first of all, I think it is safe to say the humans and apes on the planet can be traced back to the survivors of the crashed space station. The question is; How did earth come under the control of the apes. Well, The Great Semos took one of the two remaining Pods back to the evolutionary point where apes and humans separated (that is, if you believe in evolution). His advanced genetic enhancement gives him the power to reason and think things out for himself. He easily takes over the primitive apes and proceeds to enhance the gene pool with his own special mix. Thus we get generation after generation of intelligent apes. Now, it was said in the movie that Thade would follow Leo to exact his revenge no matter where he went. Well, Leo goes back to his own time and Thade, who is related to Semos, takes the other Pod and ends up going back to earth during the Civil War. You have to remember these ships had technology to pick up ripples in time from the magnetic storm and could view different events from Earth's history. In this alternate time line apes (instead of blacks) are the slaves. Along comes General Thade to liberate the slaves thus turning him into Thade / Lincoln. There you have it in a nutshell. There are lots of other clues but I think I covered it fairly well. Now I may be wrong but that is the solution I came up with. Speculation should run wild until the sequel making us all turn into Apies (as opposed to Trekkies). Have a good one. C-Ya!!! AS you can tell I thoroughly enjoyed the movie but I felt Tim Burton really just skimmed the surface of a great premise. It was like stretching a good short story into a novel without really explaining things or developing the characters. Tim Roth was by far the creme of the crop and his prtrayal of General Thade was top notch. So far (for this year) he gets the Creature Slime Award for best actor in a Sci-Fi movie. Mark Wahlberg also put on a very solid performance. All-in-all the acting was very good and the cast delivered a very entertaining piece. The ape make-up was solid for the most part and the soldier uniforms were cool. The only thing that needed some work was how the story developed. There was very little introduction and the viewer is quickly thrown into the meat of the film. On the Creature scale I give POTA 2 1/2 screams. Movies in our future; Ghosts of Mars, by John Carpenter, Vampires 2, and Tremors 3. Sequel madness reigns supreme. I know all of us are looking forward to Jason 87: Jason vs. Godzilla. I know I'll be there. C-Ya!!!

©2001 John Lewis