NEW COLUMNIST!!
Lisa's Lambast
Number 18. This edition is for the week of July 24--30, 2000
LISA!---
A special blast from our past with her breakneck-paced intro...
Readers, Nolan here. Last issue, in response to Matt's mysterious disappearance, I put out a "want ad" in Archives for a back-up columnist. I removed the ad when Matt resurfaced, but the results were surprising. We welcome a new corresondent, Lisa Rio Zubek.
And now for something COMPLETELY different:
So, I'm mindin' my own business, livin' la vida loca (ok, livin' la vida housewife), when I get an e-mail from my old friend, Nolan. The planets are finally aligned, hell hath frozen over, and the moon is blue. He has actually come over to the dark side and gotten on-line with the REST of the civilized world. (This from Mr. I'll-fight-technology-till-the -bitter-end-Canova) (Ha ha, yeah, I remember that guy!---N) I was totally was stunned! "AND", he says, "I have a website, complete with an on-line fanzine"! Well, ya coulda knocked me over with a feather (ok,better use a BIG feather, I'm not as thin as I used to be, in fact, ya might have to whack the bejesus outtame with the whole freakin' bird). (And, with me, a flock!---N) So, I have been reading here every week, and I have come to a conclusion: MAN, I miss fandom! See, I married a man who never collected a comic in his whole life! (Insert therimin music here---N) He's never even HEARD of Ray Harryhausen, (...which is just un-American---N) and he doesn't know Bruce Wayne from Bruce Willis (hey THAT would be an interesting casting choice for the next Batman, no? Demi could be the new Cat Woman! LOL!) Needless to say, I felt I should leave my geek-hood behind and learn to be a good soccer mom. (insert gagging sounds here) And I coulda done it too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids! I really miss all my old fanboy friends! (That'll learn ya!---N)
SOOOOOO, I begged Nolan to let ME play too, and he gave me this column! I am now a DJ for a local radio station here in Orlando, Fl, and a recovering soccer mom.
Ocassionally, I fall off the wagon and rabidly bake a batch of cookies, but for the most part, I am taking it "one day at a time". Since this is my first column, Nolan said I should just introduce myself. Most of you probably remember me from the fringes of your cliques. I WAS married (like 150,000 years ago) to Roland Rio.You guys remember Roland, he was Chris Allen's best friend. (Tho neither side is claiming bragging rights...---N) I believe Mike once yanked him (Roland) down Chris' stairs in fact. (LOL! I forgot about that---N) After Roland, I had a semi-lengthy nightmare of a relationship with someone that you all know but who shall go unmentioned, that I am still in therapy for. UGH! (SERENITY NOW! LOL) (Hmmm---N) At some point I dated one of my fellow columnists, but decorum prevents me from mentioning names. (He was a wonderful guy, and I wish him nothing but the best! P.S. Autumn STILL remembers you as "the guy with no belly button!") (Ooh! I know, I know!---N) In 1988 I met the man I am currently married to, had two more carpet rodents (I already had one, Autumn,who actually turns 18 in October! E-GAD!), moved from Tampa to Orlando, became a travel agent, HATED it, went to broadcasting school, became a radiojock, LOVE that (ya mean I get PAID to talk?! Sign me up!!), developed a midget fetish, (?---N) and began sagging in places I never thought possible. AND, that's pretty much it.
I am quite looking forward to talking about what ever I damned well feel like, I promise to try to keep it interesting!
Love yas, mean it,
Lisa
Ok, Nolie, How'd I do? (I think you definitely got everyone's attention!---Nolan.)
Army buddy, Matt's sitch, Joe Piscopo, The World of Nolan, Phillip Smith--baseball All Star!
Mike's Rant
Hello all.....................hope you had a safe week..................here's the latest from the Land of Ah's (old license plate slogan):
A QUICK HELLO
To old Army buddy of mine and Matt's, Neil Patrick Cook. Pat and I were inseparable at Fort Leavenworth. He had the room across the hall from me, was my assistant when I ran the post theatre and ended up dating my girlfriends roommate. These lucky ladies became our wives (tho they are now former wives, so I don't know how lucky they feel). Pat ended up at Fort Stewart where Matt was stationed and they immediately hooked up. Once a lowly enlisted man, Pat is now a Captain in Military Intelligence and will be retiring next year. Just realized if Matt and I had stayed in, we would have been eligible to retire last year! Pat rang me this afternoon and we met up. He's in town for a couple weeks, so I'm sure we'll get together and relive our youth!
MEDICAL STUFF
Sorry to hear Denise is not well. Being a sensitive guy, I don't know if I'm more pissed at the incompetent medical staff Matt is dealing with or that I had to find out my brother's wife is sick on a fucking web site (although a very good web site). (Thanks...I think!---N) That blue streak you will see Monday morning emanating from the midwest towards Boston will be me on the phone! In all fairness, Matt had mentioned that Denise was not feeling well, but I was not aware of the severity. In even more medical news, I just had my "about to be 40" physical. And tho I survived the dreaded "finger," I was diagnosed as a type 2 diabetic. (YIKES! And I find out about THAT from a fucking website---N) So, starting tomorrow I'll be testing my blood and taking 5 different medications daily. The good news is that with proper diet and eliminating eating ANYTHING that I like I will eventually go off the medicals. So soon there will be less of me to love, but I'll be around for a lot longer! (Matter of time for me too, buddy!---N) OK, enough negative news.........................
PLEASE RECOGNIZE ME
Just for Nolan...........the Joe Piscopo story: One day my friend Ben and I were visiting NYC and stopped to visit a friend of mine who worked for 20th Century Fox. As we were riding down in the elevator, we stopped on the floor that held the William Morris Agency. The door opened and in stepped former SNL cast member and Holiday Health Spa pitchman Piscopo. We both recognized him immediately, but for some reason, we chose not to acknowledge him. We rode down the next 20 floors with him giving us nods and glances, and Ben and I mouthing "say something" to each other when Piscopo wasn't looking. He got off about 4 floors from the bottom, and as the doors closed behind him, Ben and I broke out into serious guffaws. It was killing Piscopo that we didn't say anything to him, and I can only wonder what he thought as the elevator continued on with the sounds of our muffled laughter rising up to meet him.
(Something like,"Who were those retards? Don't they know who I am?"---N)
NAME DROPPING
Richard Dreyfuss, Bruno Kirby, Danny DeVito, Ron Howard, Denzel Washington, Shawn AND David Cassidy (ok, they can't all be winners) (Huh?---N)
THE WORLD OF NOLAN
Can't say enough good things about "The World of Nolan" special that I received in the mail. (Yay!---N) Excellent camera presence by the host, very interesting guests and a crew that apparently works for air time. Even my son enjoyed it.................tho he kept asking how Corey got so big! I can't wait until the next episode, and would like to point out that I am available for guest appearances! (Can you work the camera, too?---N)
IT NEVER EVEN OCCURRED TO ME
"Bladerunner" director Ridley Scott, who is currently filming "Hannibal" in Rome, recently answered the question that has been debated for almost 20 years (by everyone but me apparently). Scott told Britain's Channel 4 that Harrison Ford's character, Deckard, was, in fact, a replicant. (News to me---N) The film, in which Ford's ex-cop character is ordered to search out and destroy replicants, is, to me, one of the most influential sci-fi films ever. Scott considers it one of the best films he has ever done. (Agreed---N) When you realize he has also done "Alien," "Gladiator" and "Thelma and Louise" (for which he received an Oscar nomination), that is saying a lot.
YOU SAY GOODBYE
Bart the Bear, who was featured in such films as "Legends of the Fall," "Clan of the Cave Bear," "White Fang," "The Edge" and his own starring feature, "The Bear," has passed away at the age of 23.
Roberto Suarez Gomez, a simple "businessman" who often claimed the character of Tony Montana in "Scarface" was modeled after him, died this week at age 68. The self proclaimed "King of Cocaine" made headlines in 1983 when he offered to pay the foreign debt of Bolivia with proceeds from his cocaine trafficking. At the time, the cost was $3 billion!
AND I SAY HELLO
Happy Birthday this week to Oscar winner Robin Williams and "Lethal Weapon" star Danny Glover.
And a special Happy Birthday to my son, Phillip, who will turn 16 this Wednesday. (That's my boy!---N) He also takes possession of a car that day, so beware! We will spend the morning golfing and in the evening we will enjoy his annual birthday dinner at his favorite Japanese steakhouse. It's an amazing thing, the bond between father and son. My own dad, through no fault of his own, was a difficult father. I'm sure I was a difficult son. I love my father no less now then I did then, because now I know the things he knew. I used to marvel at Matt's dad................he had such a bond with his children. He would work all day and still have time for not only his kids, but his grandson............and me! I only met Nolan's dad a couple times. I hope I'm not intruding on anything here, but I remember that Nolan's dad was quite ill for some time.(Quite true; a tragedy---N) Many times Nolan would have to put off what ever he had planned to go home and care for him. When you're 16/17, you don't even think about such things, but now I can see that Nolan and his dad (and Ron) also had a certain bond. Corey's dad was a saint. I could start writing now about what Leo meant to me, but I'd still be writing 3 issues from now. My former wife's father, Al, is another man I wish I could emulate. Divorce is hard on everyone, but you know that the parents of the respective couple always have their opinions. Of course, in my case, my mom and dad concur with her's! However, in spite of this fact, her father has always been nothing but nice to me. He is obviously a great influence on my son, and for this I am thankful. He has also been a great influence on me, and if I am even half the father he has been, I will consider myself luck. I can honestly say I was a shitty husband, and, because of that, I was a shitty father for the first 11 years of my son's life. But in the five years I have been with him in Kansas, I hope I have shown him that he is the most important thing in my life. I hope everyone has the opportunity to know the bond between a child and parent. If you don't have one of your own, borrow your neighbor's.
PUT ME IN COACH
Well, my first season as manager of my son's American Legion team came to a close Saturday night in the semi-finals of the league tournament. A crucial two out error gave the other team the opportunity to score 5 unanswered runs in their half of the last inning and we lost 10-6. The majority of these kids (my son included) were 14 and 15 years old, playing teams consisting of kids 17-19. In fact, the last game of the season they beat a team that had 7 guys heading off to college in the fall. This team was put together in a hurry, and I can't tell you how proud of them I am. They have the opportunity to play as a team for another 4 years, and I'm sure will soon be a power to be reckoned with! On a personal note, my son, Phillip, had an excellent season, hitting well over .300, stealing 23 bases (in 16 games) and playing errorless center field. He also had 5 assists in the outfield. Nothing made me prouder then to hear an opposing coach yell across to his bench after Phillip had thrown his player out at third, "I told you guys not to run on that kid!" I have some great shots in my camera, and as soon as it's developed I'll send Nolan some for the site. (We'll save a spot!---N)
Well, gang, that's all for now. Welcome back Matt..................I'll be calling in the morning. Love to Denise!
"Lisa's Lambast", ©2000 by Lisa R. Zubek
Matt's Rail
I must concur with Lisa's assesment that the planets are aligned...as all of my wife's test results came back negative!!! There is an MRI scheduled but everything seems okay so far. Thank God we have some answers. And thanks for all your good wishes.
LISA LISA AND THE FAN JAM
Welcome Lisa to the land of linguistic literacy. I am quite impressed with your initial effort. I'm sure I speak for everyone in saying we all look forward to upcoming columns. GOOD JOB!
POP CULTURE: Hey Nolan...love the new look. Hard to believe you were the guy who said "Damn the computers". I always thought this would be the perfect avenue for your gift of gab and keen insight; you impressive son of a gun, you! (Shucks folks, I'm speechless!---N) Matt's Rail cont'd on front page.
"Mike's Rant" is © 2000 by Michael A. Smith