Hello, gang! Lots of news, notes and some good old fashioned rants! Shall we begin?

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WACKO JACKO
OK, I've pretty much written Michael Jackson off as anything more then an annoying presence. Yes, he had talent. Maybe he still does. But these days he's doing things that make his lunatic sister, LaToya, look downright intelligent. You may recall a few weeks ago, while in Germany, that Jackson brought his young son out on the balcony of a building he was staying in to show his fans below. While holding the child, he dangled him over the edge of the balcony, holding the squirming child with only one arm as he waved to fans below. The child was only over the edge for a few seconds and didn't appear to be in any harm, but the press filmed it and before you know it Michael Jackson's a bad father. Of course, when you put this against all the other charges and accusations he's had, bad father doesn't seem that bad. Then, on Tuesday of this week, while waiting to testify in a lawsuit against him for not doing two Y2K concerts, Jackson hooted and, while doing a "cat ears" pantomime, began "Eeeow"ing from the witness stand. I was glad to see the one glove is gone. But did I mention that he came to court wearing only one shoe? Apparently a spider had bitten his other foot and it was too swollen for shoes. When asked about not doing the two concerts he was paid for, Jackson replied "That's administrative work. That's not what I do. I'm the entertainer." You certainly are, Michael. You certainly are. I always thought that the fact that Jackson owned the rights to all but six of the Beatles songs and whores them out to any advertiser with money was enough to send him to hell. Keep it up, Michael, and they may let you drive the bus there!

THE LIZARD KING HAS SPOKEN
As if Jim Morrison was acting from the grave (or Africa, depending on where you think he ended up), the new version of The Doors won't be hitting the stage until at least January 19. Drummer Stewart Copeland fell off his bicycle and broke his arm, thus delaying the debut of the newly reconstituted band.

GEORGE IS DEAD...........MISS HIM, MISS HIM, MISS HIM
This past Friday was the first anniversary of the death of the great George Harrison. In memory of the late Beatle 5,000 fans turned up at London's Royal Albert Hall to attend the "Concert for George." Besides Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr, other musical guests who paid tribute included Joe Cocker, Eric Clapton and Harrison's son, Dhani. Money raised by the concert will benefit the Material World Charitable Foundation, which Harrison founded.

NEW MUSIC
Speaking of George Harrison, his last album of original tunes was released last week. Entitled "Brainwashed," it is a fine and lasting tribute to the spirit and talent that was George Harrison. Also out this week is McCartney's live CD from his recent tour of America. Entitled "Back in the US," the music shows Macca to be in fine voice. Highlights to me were a couple of Beatle songs he had never done in concert before (Hello, Goodbye, Blackbird, Mother Nature's Son) and a fine solo tribute to Harrison when he sings Something accompanying himself on a ukulele. The only slow moment: Freedom, the song McCartney wrote for the concert in New York City immediately after 9/11. While his heart was in the right place, the song still sounds a little heavy-handed.

CALL HUGH HEFFNER
Woo Hoo! Britney Spears turned 21 on Monday. Can it be too much longer until she joins Tiffany in gracing one of the finer men's magazines? I would gladly recommend her as the first PCR centerfold, boss! (Noted. Now if we can just come up with a million dollars and her agent's number...!--N)

PASSING ON
   Dave McNally, whose fight against baseball's reserve clause started the free-agent era, passed away this past weekend due to cancer. He was 60 years old. While a pitcher for my beloved Baltimore Orioles, McNally helped the team win four American League pennants and two World Series. He is also the only pitcher to hit a grand slam homerun in World Series play. Despite his stellar career, McNally is best known for his 1975 stand against the Montreal Expos. In that era, teams could automatically renew player's contracts indefinitely, keeping them bound to one team for life. McNally refused his 1975 contract and in December of that year an arbitrator ruled in his favor. The owners and players then negotiated a labor deal that allows players to become free agents after six big league seasons. Shortly before his death, McNally had been voted the state of Montana's "Sports Star of the Century."
   Billie Bird, film actress and Kansas City dinner theatre staple during the late 70's and mid 80's, passed away at her home in California. She was 94. While I remember her from several shows I saw in KC when I lived here before, she is probably best known for her roles in such films as "Barefoot in the Park," "The Odd Couple," "Home Alone," and her larger roles as grandmothers in "Sixteen Candles" and "Christmas Vacation."

A Bullshit C
Long-time readers of the Rant may recall my indignation at ABC for the censoring they did when they ran "Jaws" on prime time for the 25th Anniversary. I particularly lamented the fact that they took a word like "bastard" and turned it into "bozo." I also commented that this seemed like a double standard from the network that brings us Dennis Franz's bare ass on "NYPD Blue." Well, for whatever reason, ABC is trying to push its own envelope. The past four weeks, the word "bullshit" has appeared on the show once per episode. Why? I don't know. I posted the same question on the ABC message board. I'll let you know when I see a reply.

WHAT THE HELL?
The other night, I was watching one of my favorite films, "Slap Shot," on cable. Now this is one of those films that I know backwards and forwards. It also had a real catchy soundtrack. Imagine my shock when I didn't hear any of the songs I expected to hear, but really bad ones that were only similar in beat. I may have griped about this before, but this time I did some investigating and was told that due to legal wording the songs could not be included on the cable version. Which struck me as bizarre since all of the artists, notably Elton John and Maxine Nightingale, were, and, in Elton's case, still are, MCA artists. MCA is owned by Universal. Universal produced the movie. I was happy to see that the original soundtrack is on my laser disc and DVD copy of the film. But why? I can't think of anyone even imagining DVD's in 1977, so why would they be allowed to carry the songs "per the contract?"

CAVEAT EMPTOR
If I remember correctly, this is the Latin phrase for "buyer beware" that Mike Brady passed onto Greg when he bought a real crappy car on the Brady Bunch. Keeping this in mind, I finally decided to act on something that I had been observing lately on Ebay. Over the past few months a proliferation of items signed by Robert Shaw has been showing up on line. Mr. Shaw died almost 25 years ago and the items showing up with his signature has been produced fairly recently. Most of the people offering his autograph hold "private auctions," which makes the winning bidders' identity secret. Of course, they do this so others can't warn them. Every time I see a signature offered I write the seller and ask where they got it. I tell them if they can prove to me it's legit that I'll buy it. I've only gotten one reply from the dozens of sellers. The one who replied was also upset at all of the forgeries showing up on line and, from what I can tell, his was legit........it was a signed card.......not a script or replica poster or "Jaws: the Revenge" poster! That's right. Some poor bastard paid $73.00 for a Shaw autograph on a poster for a film that came out 10 years after he died. Of course, this was a private auction, so the buyer is unknown. Probably good too, because I certainly would have sent him a "boy are you an idiot" email after the sale. Anyway, to get to the point, this past week I put the following listing on Ebay: JAWS- ROBERT SHAW AUTOGRAPH. Under the description I basically said what I have said in this piece. To be careful. To not believe everything you see. And that certificates of authenticity don't mean shit! I once bought a poster (I hadn't seen it before I purchased it) that was supposedly signed by several people associated with "Jaws." It came with a certificate of authenticity. I ended up getting my money back when I informed the seller that there is only one "F" in Dreyfuss! I got over 300 hits on this auction and received well over 100 emails from other Ebayers thanking me for what I did. I hope I at least made them think. Remember, dear readers, if it's too good to be true it's because it's false! Incidentally, in a bit of irony, I received an autographed photo of Mr. Shaw in the mail on the day that he died! Unfortunately I lost it in a house fire, so my quest continues. If anyone has an extra one, not on a "Jaws the Revenge" poster, you know where to find me!

Well, that's it for now. Have a great week! See ya.