Hi, kids! This little ditty, as John Cougar would sing, is addressed to you young people 15/16 years of age, and to a degree older lemmings who may have contributed to the box office take of "A Shark's Tales". If you're 14 or younger, you get a pass. Now kids, pull up one of those primary-colored plastic school library chairs and move up front. Yup. A little closer. Yeah, that's it. Good. I've got a little story to tell you about my younger days as a Crazed Fanboy.
We're going to flashback in time to 1982. I know most of you weren't even born back then. First of all, you have to understand something. Back in the late 1970's to the mid-1980's, the movie scene was much different than it is today. Back then, young boys (teens through early '20s) ruled the roost in terms of ticket sales, which is why we experienced an unbelievable amount of great horror, sci-fi, and fantasy movies during that era. Young boys wanted to see Freddy Krueger slice and dice some victims, or a topless Betsy Russell, not talking fish and donkeys. Another blessing was that adults really didn't seem to want to attend movies, therefore the young male had a field day in terms of seeing PG movies with satisfying amounts of violence and nudity contained therein ("Beastmaster", "Tourist Trap"). Young girls were pretty much ignored during that time; maybe the studios would throw them a "Fame" or "Footloose" once in a while to keep them in theater seats. By and large, however, they were expected to see testosterone-laced entertainment picked by the guys. Another bonus was that the Walt Disney company was on the ropes, being beaten down by violent cinema such as "Friday the 13th Part III" and "The House on Sorority Row". At the time, no one except for small kids wanted to see family fare like "The Rescuers" and "The Fox and the Hound". Even the more cool animated features, such as "The Secret of N.I.M.H." had a hard time reaching audiences.
When I was 15 (1982), hell, when I was 12 (1980), I did everything I could not to see entertainment geared toward my age. In the summer of '82, I did everything I could to sneak into such gory/grisly rated-R movies like John Carpenter's "The Thing", "Blade Runner", "The Road Warrior", "Southern Comfort", and "The Beast Within". In 1980 I even snuck into Blake Edward's "10" (man, did that make me the hero of the day in middle school)!
Nowadays we, the Crazed Fanboys, are faced with several near-impenetrable barriers which have soured our moviegoing experience as people who worship horror and sci-fi like a religion. The major studios have taken over the scene, leaving smaller independents foraging for open theaters. Adults and women/girls have returned to theaters, which is why we must now suffer through an endless stream of Sandra Bullock romantic comedies, family films, and a new breed of Woody Allen-esque relationship movies ("Swingers"). This leaves you, young males, with the onerous task of returning the 'new millennium' to the glory days of the late '70s/early-to-mid '80s. I see little glimmers of hope here and there, but they are quickly dashed when I see that a piece of mainstream entertainment like "A Shark Tales" pulls in 49 million, and "Shaun of the Dead" is struggling to expand its theater base. I'm not suggesting we do away with family films, romantic comedies, etc., but I will as a Crazed Fanboy demand that rated-R horror and sci-fi films outperform kids movies in terms of box office.
Now that I've explained a bit of the history of one of the greatest eras of sci-fi/horror ever, I have a bit of very good advice for you 15 & 16 year-olds: SNEAK INTO RATED R HORROR, SCI-FI and TEENAGE SEX COMEDY MOVIES. You have to understand something; when you plunk down $9 to see a movie and the movie's a hit, you encourage these jokers (in this case Dreamworks) to make more movies about talking fish, complete with colorful 3-D animated wonderscapes that make your raisinette-smeared mouth gasp and say "Oh, wow!" (the same effect can be accomplished by seeing Betsy Russell's breasts, trust me). You MUST be selective in which movies you wish to see. If a moviegoer was older than 16 and had made the choice to see "Shaun of the Dead" or John Waters' "A Dirty Shame" we would be seeing more movies like those rather than less. Inherent to sneaking into a movie is this problem: which G, PG, or PG-13 movie should I tell the ticket-taker I want a ticket to before I sneak in? I suggest going to a theater that has at least one semi-cool PG-13 flick that suffices; in this week's case possibly "The Forgotten". Buy a ticket for it and do your damnedest to sneak into a flick that's filled with horror, violence, and nudity. At least this way you'll be giving your $9 to a more deserving film than "A Shark's Tales" while still enjoying the rite of passage of sneaking into a rated-R movie; plus, you'll be doing your duty as a future horror Fanboy extraordinaire.
Professor Paul Bearer Debuts this Saturday
Most readers of Crazed Fanboy are inherent fans of the legendary horror host Dr. Paul Bearer. This Saturday, Oct. 9th at 2pm on Channel 4 (the old Ch. 44) DPB fans will witness a somewhat unbelievable event - the debut of a "new" version of Creature Feature as hosted by "Professor Paul Bearer", a character who is DPB's nephew. It's fair to state that fans of the original Dr. Paul Bearer (many of us fell in love with horror and sci-fi by watching Crea-Fea) may have mixed emotions by resurrecting his memory with a new but related character, but I think we all agree that it's a good feeling to have a horror host phenomenon return to the airwaves, especially a local one that carries on the great tradition of the Tampa Bay area as having the best horror host in the country (Dr. Paul Bearer). I wish the new heir well and may he meet our expectations and enjoy much success.
Goodbye Janet Leigh
It's yet another sad day in the world of horror as we received news that Janet Leigh (star of Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho") has passed away. Let's not forget also that she was the mother of Jamie Lee Curtis, horror heroine of god-like status. Leigh also had a cameo in Steve Miner's "Halloween: H20" alongside her daughter, and even drove the same car she did in "Psycho". She will be missed.
"Oddservations" is ©2004 by Andy Lalino. The Oddservations banner is a creation of Andy Lalino. All other graphics are creations of Nolan B. Canova. All contents of Nolan's Pop Culture Review are ©2004 by Nolan B. Canova.
