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LA FLORIDIANA
Florida’s Commuter Airlines from the 1960s to the 1980s: Part Six
 by William Moriaty

THIS WEEK'S MOVIE REVIEW
"Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban"
 by Mike Smith

ODDSERVATIONS
The Horror Channel: Closer to Reality!....Filthy Update and showtimes
 by Andy Lalino

SPLASH PAGE
June--A Month For The Fanboy
 by Brandon Jones

VINNIE VIDI VICI
Tumble Bush....Iraqi MP3 Crackdown....Negativland Hacked....Sushi Terrorist Threat....New Prison Funding For Pirates
 by Vinnie Blesi

MIKE'S RANT
Who's Bad? ..... Newsworthy ..... Movie/DVD News.....Meet The Beatles, Part 19
 by Mike Smith

LETTERS
Nolan's Pop Culture Review, 2003!
    Established A.D. 2000, March 19. Now in our fifth calendar year!
    Number 219  (Vol. 5, No. 23). This edition is for the week of May 31--June 6, 2004.

New List, New Reviews, and New Directions

 Top 10 Worst Songs Of All Time
 Preparing the "PO BOX" reviews
Also...
 "Sheep's Clothing" opens in Apopka
 I get more aggresively entrepreneurial.

About ad banners and the future. By now you've noticed the small ad banner advert at pagetop, and are aware I'm renting space on this homepage, and of our first new sponsor, F-bod.com of Orlando. You may have even seen the text link pitch at the bottom left on the nav bar. Now before you all start panicking that I've somehow turned all corporate and everything, rest assured this is all part of a bigger picture and always has been. In fact I'm guilty of taking WAY too long to come to this point, and now the gloves are off. This is shaping up to be a full-time job and I need to make sure it stays adequately supported so I can give it the attention it demands--and that you out there have come to demand of it. I've just been dragging my feet getting used to thinking a new way.

Almost a month ago, the Orlando artist who heads up F-bod.com approached me with the proposition of paid banner placement. It took me almost a month to reply (and then it was due to William's diatribes). That will never happen again. The upshot is for the very near future only the homepage is rentable and I am eager to work with you. Areas like Schlockarama (which itself gets a surprising amount of traffic) will get its share in time as will Dinosoldier, Flash Fantastic, and others. I just need to see what the response is. Please see the ad banner page for more information and ordering policies. Note: there is limited space available here, act quickly. The other areas of the site will be open in time.

To all PCR writers. I'm not insensitive to the fact some of you are selling something, perhaps even on your own websites. While I'm reserving space here on the homepage for paid subscribers, please know if you want a special ad banner on your contributor's page, feel free to send me one and it'll go up gratis, any size UP TO a 120 X 60 (placement in the layout will still be at my discretion).



NEW TOP 10 CHALLENGE
Not sure if it flew under y'alls radar the last couple weeks, but Mike Smith has issued a new Top Ten Challenge, our first in quite a while. Originally starting as a casual reacton to the Blender Magazine article on the same subject, namely The Top 50 Worst Songs of All Time, Mike, in last week's Rant got serious and officially challenged us.

As always you are encouraged to write in and participate. Mike's only rule was that your selections have to have been in the Top 40 at one time just so we'd recognize them, but I imagine that rule will be among the first to break. So now, here are the first responses to the TOP 10 WORST SONGS OF ALL TIME.

The Top 10 Worst Songs of All Time by Michael A. Smith


1. Don't Worry, Be Happy - Bobby McFerrin: From the reggae style vocals to the man made musical sounds, very few songs make me scream out loud like this one.
2. Blind Man in the Bleachers/Run Joey Run - both by David Geddes/Rocky - Austin Roberts: something about those sing song story songs that drive me crazy. That Geddes is responsible for two of them is beyond comprehension. "Daddy please don't" let your son David write any more songs!
3. Playgrounds in my Mind - Clint Holmes: when your name is Michael, you get teased when your name pops up on tv and radio. Life Cereal? Hey, you know Mikey eats anything! This song came out when I was in 6th or 7th grade, and I was constantly bombarded with, "My name is Michael, I've got a nickel......." I thought I had supressed the pain this song brought forth until it was used as background music in "Old School." I was wrong.
4. Muhammad Ali (Black Superman) - Johnny Wakelin: What more can I add?
5. Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice: The worse bastardization of a great song I can think of. So bad that Freddy Mercury and David Bowie spin in their grave when it's played and Bowie isn't even dead!! Word to YOUR mother, Mr. Van Winkle........your son sucks.
6. American Pie - Madonna: has music gone the way of Hollywood where remakes are now the norm? Some songs should NEVER be fucked with and this is one of them!
7. You Light Up My Life - Debbie Boone: Picture my life in 1977. I'm an usher at Twin Bays and the film of the same name played there a whopping 9 weeks. The song is performed three times in the film, plus over the end credits. That's 4 times a show, 5 shows a day or roughly 1360 times during the run! Thank God we went to a discount house or I may have suffered irreparable brain damage.
8. D.O.A. - Bloodrock: basically 12 minutes of narration from a victim of a plane crash. The eerie guitar sirens and slow heartbeat drum beat, along with lyrics like "the sheets are warm and moist where I'm lying" used to give me the creeps.
9. Brand New Key - Melanie: who cares. Skate your ass off my radio, please.
10. The Girl Is Mine - Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson: next to "O Bla Di, O Bla Da." this is the crappiest song McCartney put his name on (you don't really think Lennon had anything to do with that one, do you?) Add in the fact that MJ outbid Mac for the rights to the Beatles catalog and you've got one bad year for Paulie. A close second here would be Jackson and Mick Jagger's "State of Shock."

The Top 10 Worst Songs of All Time by William Moriaty

We should've responder earlier to your request. Shame on us! (Or at least me.) Here it goes Mike (most of these I don't remember the artists, I'm still trying to blot these memories from my gray cells).

1. Blind Man in the Bleachers Danger Will Robinson! This song is so syrupy it can induce insulin shock!
2. Run Joey Run -- "I never really died before?" What an absurd song!
3. You Light Up My Life -- Debbie Boone. 'Nuff said.
4. Feelings -- Albert Greenspan or somebody like that did it. My cats instead sing, "Felines - - nothing more than, Felines!"
5. Life Is A Rock so my radio told me! - - Pet Rocks were pretty big back then, too.
6. Playground in my Mind. "My Name is Mikey, I've got a nickel, I've got a nickel shiny and new" - - YUUUCCCCHHH!
7. Seasons in the Sun. "But the aspirin's out of reach like the starfishes on the beach!"
8. If You Like Pina Coladas, Rupert Holmes, or Rupert Murdoch, I forgot who did it- - maybe it was John Holmes!
9. Saturday Night, the Bay City Rollers - - a plaid nightmare from Scotland.
10. Mister Jaws -- It just doesn't much worse than this.

The Top 10 Worst Songs of All Time by Nolan Canova

While my colleagues have taken all the more obvious choices out of circulation, I'm going to go outside the box a bit and note which of these ditties affected me adversly over the past four decades. Like Will, I'm not sure of all the artists.

In reverse order from 10 to 1...

10. Anything done by a big TV or movie celebrity looking to "break into" the music biz. This would include John Revolta, Eddie Murphy, and Cheryl Ladd, at least two of these noted in the Blender Magazine story. An exception would be Ed Ames (from TV's Daniel Boone) who actually recorded some cool stuff.
9. That hellish song on the flip side of "Snoopy vs The Red Baron" 45rpm, circa 1966. -- The Royal Guardsmen. While Snoopy was one of the first pop songs I memorized the lyrics to, I could never even get through the flip side single whose name I cannot even recall (Thanks to ED Tucker and Steve Beasley for pointing out it was called "I Needed You". ---N) . I'll never forget at grade school one of the teachers played the Snoopy song for the class. Then she (like I did at home) turned it over to play the flip side. After several seconds recoiling in horror, she grimaced while taking it off the platter like it was greasy (like I did!). I realize this is a rule-breaker since it was never a hit, but it IS one of the worst songs I've ever heard!
8. Hell is For Children -- Pat Benatar./Baaaaaawwwwwwn in the USA --Bruce Sprinsteen. Yes, I used to play the Benatar song live for a little while before I realized you can't get poeple up and dancing to a song about child-abuse! Great riffs, but a depressing subject, done, I guess, to be topical. The Springsteen song was obviously done as a patriotic gesture, nothing wrong with that, but still painful for me to hear him scream his way through it. Seeing him distorting his face in the video as he struggles to force all those high notes while his neck sinews pop makes my cheeks hurt. Need a drink after listening. Not a song you really want to hum in the shower, you know?
7. Half-breed -- Cher. Unlike my compadres, I always had a problem with this Cher hit that seemed intensely focused on her ethnicity, and her singing is simply not all that great. But I struggle to remember in the "All in the Family" era, topical subjects were king. Too bad, most dated very badly.
Now we come to the country music section....
6. Ahhhh Luuvvvvv Little Baby Ducks. by that guy from Hee-Haw. (Tom T. Hall, who I almost said, confirmed by Steve Beasley from a search. Thanks, Steve! ---N) Supposed to make you all warm and fuzzy inside, like "Blind Man In the Bleachers" and "Seasons in the Sun", instead imposes on everyone to pause for an insightful moment. But how many of those can you take in a lifetime?
5. Elvira --The Oak Ridge Boys. Giddy-up! bahoom, bapa-oom bah-pah mow mow.... During the height of a come-back/popularization of country music circa 1980, the source of which I never learned, this lurched from jukeboxes everywhere. If I had never heard it before and you were to ask me to write the most backwoods, inbred, idiot-proof, low-brow HARD country song imaginable, it would've sounded like this.
Now we come to the most evil of all music forms, the disco music section. There are so many to choose from, but I forced myslf to whittle them down to...
4. Junk Food Junkie. Novelty songs wear out their welcomes quickly, and I congratulate the artist who did this, whoever he is (Larry Groce. --Steve) by somehow captivating the country with one of the most obvious cliché titles and subjects in music history. Was a big hit for about 20 seconds.
3. Disco Duck. Novelty songs wear out their welcomes quickly, and I congratulate the artist who did this, whoever he is (Rick Dees & His Cast of Idiots. --Steve) , by somehow captivating the country with one of the most obvious cliché titles and subjects in music history. Was a big hit for about 20 seconds, longer than most duck songs.
2. YMCA --The Village People. Made it fun and hip to be gay? A traveling freak show that broke the rules and took their flamboyant burlesque nationwide. Admirable on one level, but where do you go with an act like that? They had no names, just characters: the Indian, the cop/biker, whatever. It was funny at the time, but became one of the most unsavory memories from that era.
1. Stayin' Alive. --The BeeGees. Satan came to earth and possessed the souls of three (four?) brothers, an otherwise agreeable group of folk/rock/pop singers and got them to write, sing, and perform the theme song to the most heinous and vile "dance rock craze" ever to threaten the earth. The runaway hit monster, fueled by the runaway success of the Revolting motion picture, became the #1 best-selling album of all time for many years. When God chains Satan in Hell for 1,000 years, he'll be playing "Stayin' Alive" as background music.

Honorable mention --"Jeopardy" by Greg Kihn. Since it sold a billion copies and forever solidified him as a "disco" artist, it effectively removed him from his rock 'n roll roots where he started with encouraging and catchy hits like "They Don't Write 'Em Like That Anymore". He oughtta know.


Cast of Sheep's Clothing

Sheep's Clothing premiere

Congratulations to Jason Liquori (Dinosoldier, Jason's Jungle) on the successful premiere of "Sheep's Clothing" at the Beef O'Brady's in Apopka, Florida , May 30th. The 12-minute short shocker is coming to the Ybor Coffeehouse in Tampa, June 10th. At left, a photo of the cast on the special night: (left to right) Kevin White, Chanel Bagwell, and Brewier Welch.

Visit Hocus Focus Productions for more information on the work of Jason Liquori.





I APOLOGIZE I WAS UNABLE TO GET TO THE "STUFF FROM THE PO BOX" REVIEWS THIS WEEK. I PROMISE TO MAKE IT UP IN SPADES IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE! --Nolan


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"Mike's Rant" is ©2004 by Michael A. Smith    "Matt's Rail" is ©2004 by Matthew Drinnenberg     "La Floridiana" is ©2004 by William Moriaty     "This Week's Movie Review" is ©2004 by Michael A. Smith    "Oddservations" is ©2004 by Andy Lalino    "Splash Page" is ©2004 by Brandon Jones    "Couch Potato Confessions" is © 2004 by Vinnie Blesi    "The Great Benzini" is ©2004 by Ben Gregory      All contents of Nolan's Pop Culture Review are ©2004 by Nolan B. Canova    
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