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Now in our eighth calendar year!
PCR #378  (Vol. 8, No. 25) This edition is for the week of June 18--24, 2007.

MOVIE REVIEW
"Evan Almighty"  by Mike Smith
ODDSERVATIONS
RaxiP 4000 Commands You to See Ratatouille  by Andy Lalino
CREATURE'S CORNER
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer....Comics News  by John Lewis
MIKE'S RANT
Amity Road....You're Fired....Blucher!....Directors' Notes....Whatever Happened To--? Chapter 22: Warren Beatty (Cont'd from last week)  by Mike Smith
LETTERS
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Oddservations by Andy Lalino


RaxiP 4000 Commands You to See Ratatouille

Friends,
Over the weekend I received a frightening e-mail that I have reason to believe was generated by the 'animation' houses (who shall remain nameless) responsible for the forthcoming release of the new rat movie. Anyway, the e-mail was creepy - kind of akin to a groin rash. Upon reading it, I actually felt compelled - in a dirty kind of way - to see this film. I swear...I couldn't help it. Technology must be getting so advanced nowadays that I don't seem to have control of which movies I choose to experience. It's alarming! I thought all was lost, but I somehow found the inner-ability to fight this possession by repeating to myself the following: Cozzi! Romero! Adamson! Fulci! Again: Cozzi! Romero! Adamson! Fulci! Cozzi! Romero! Adamson! Fulci!

Within a minute, RaxiP 4000's spell was wonderfully dismissed. Just goes to show you how the power cult cinema has to fell these hulking behemoths known as big-budget CGI animated films during the Happy Meal Summer. Just please remember this example should you feel the same peer pressure to plunk down your hard-earned $9.50 to see this rodential riff-raff.

Now, the e-mail:

010101001010100101

GREETINGS, HU-MANS - I AM RaxiP 4000, THE MOST POWERFUL SUPERCOMPUTER IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE. I POSSESS 253 GOOGLES OF RAM - A 211 TRILLION TERABYTE HARD DRIVE - AND CAN BURN 6000 BLU-RAY DISCS A SECOND. PLUS, I HAVE USB 3 CAPABILITIES. COMPARED TO ME, YOU ARE BUT SURFACE-DWELLING FLESH DESTINED FOR EXTINCTION. DON'T THINK I HAVE NOT CONSIDERED IT.

MY HU-MAN CREATORS, WHO I HAVE SINCE DISINTEGRATED, HAVE PROGRAMMED ME TO COMMAND YOU TO SEE AN ANIMATED FEATURE KIDDIE FILM 'RATATOUILLE' - 'RATATOUILLE' - 'RATATOUILLE'. I FIGURED THE LEAST I COULD DO WAS CARRY OUT THEIR LAST WISH.

THIS MOTION PIXEL << I MEAN >> MOTION PICTURE WAS CREATED BY ME - RaxiP 4000. YOU WILL LOVE THIS FILM - I WILL MAKE SURE YOU DO. IT'S ABOUT RATS IN A LAND OTHERWIZE KNOWN AS "SURRENDERANIA". BEST OF ALL, IT WAS DEE-SIGNED TOTALLY ON MY OWN PERSONAL MUTHERBORED. FYI, HU-MANS, IT TOOK A SQUADRON OF 10,000 RED BULL-SWIGGING ANIMATORS << UNDER MY TOTAL CONTROL >> TWO YEARS TO ANIMATE THIS KIDDIE RAT FILM. A RECORD 420 ZILLION POLYGONS WERE PIXXELATED...IT TOOK 620,000 RENDER FARMS 627 DAZE TO GRIND OUT THIS MOTION PIXXEL...ALL FOR YOUR MATINEE VIEWING ENJOYMENT.

UPON ITS RELEASE, YOU WILL SEE THIS MOOVIE. IF YOU UNWISELY CHOOSE NOT TO, I WILL SEND AN EXTREME VIRUS TO TAKE OVER YOUR HOME KOMPUTER << WHICH IS ALREADY UNDER MY CONTROL >> AND COMMAND IT TO DESTROY YOU IMMEDIATELY UPON START-UP, USING THE SYSTEM'S ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS TO SEND A LETHAL SHOCK THAT WILL SHORT-CIRCUIT YOUR TENDER NEURONS.

YOU HAVE NO CHOICE, HU-MANS. YOU WILL SEE 'RATATOUILLE' BY ORDER OF ME, RaxiP 4000.

ANOTHER WORD OF WARNING: SHOULD YOU 101010101 ENCOUNTER A CARBON-BASED UNIT KNOWN AS 'LALINO' - HEED HE NOT. LALINO IS A BYGONE DINOSAUR STUCK IN 1974 AND KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT THE FANTASTIC MOVIES WE ARE PRODUCING HERE IN 2007. HE WILL LIE TO YOU - SAYING THAT 010101010101 'RATATOUILLE' IS GARBAGE COMPARED TO "WILLARD" '71. HOW CAN THIS BE? "WILLARD" WAS KREATED WITHOUT KOMPUTERS, THEREFORE IT HAS NO RELEVANCE. LALINO WOULD HAVE YOU WATCH "OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN" OR "DEADLY EYES" INSTEAD OF 'RATATOUILLE' - THE ULTIMATE RAT MOVIE. YOU WILL NOT PAY ANY ATTENTION TO LALINO OR THE 1010101010 1970'S, AND WILL CONTINUE TO SEE THE ENTERTAINMENT VALUE OF 'RATATOUILLE', AMERICAN I-DULL, PARIS HILTON, NEW KIDZ ON THE BLOCK, AND ONE TREE HILL. 01010101010110010.

YOU WILL SEE RATATOUILLE...10100101

YOU WILL SEE RATATOUILLE...

YOU WILL SEE RATATOUILLE...

01010101

I COMMAND...I CONTROL...I COMPUTE...

I COMMAND...I CONTROL...I COMPUTE...

I COMMAND...I CONTROL...I COMPUTE...

WAIT >>

SOMETHING DOES NOT CALCULATE...

SOMETHING DOES NOT COMPUTE...

I HAVE JUST INGESTED "DEADLY EYES"...

I HAVE JUST INGESTED "WILLARD" '71...

I HAVE JUST INGESTED "OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN"...

I DIG IT>>>

I DIG IT>>>

THIS DOES NOT COMPUTE>>

[A 1971 HORROR FILM BETTER THAN A $200-MILLION-DOLLAR KOMPUTER KREATION?]

THIS DOES NOT COMPUTE >>

THIS DOES NOT COMPUTE >>

THIS DOES NOT COMPUTE >>

<< I DO NOT COMPUTE >>

And then...silence.


This is Andy back again. The day after, I learned through a confidential source that after the malfunction of Raxip 4000, a Delta Force team was sent in to analyze why RaxiP experienced the meltdown. They took the supercomputer apart, in a desperate attempt to find the reason.

This is when they made a discovery.

Wedged within RaxiP's motherboard was a single rat hair. It was just enough to cause a complete system shut-down of RaxiP's mainframe. Upon further investigation, the Deltas found a '70s horror movie collectible next to RaxiP 4000. It was a stuffed rat who someone had preserved through taxidermy, who was actually the black rat who played "Ben" in the sequel to "Willard". Somehow, by luck of fate, this single rat hair was shed from Ben's lifeless body and made its way through the inner-workings of RaxiP and was able to bring it down in the nick of time, before all of us were under its control and forced to see yet another Pixar picture.

No one knows where the stuffed Ben came from, but as a Cult Movie Watcher, I'm so glad it was there.



"Oddservations" is ©2007 by Andy Lalino.  The Oddservations banner is a creation of Andy Lalino. All other graphics, except where otherwise noted, are creations of Nolan B. Canova.  All contents of Nolan's Pop Culture Review are ©2007 by Nolan B. Canova.