"Humanoids From The Deep" (1980)
     Movie review by William Moriaty


New World Pictures, Inc.
Produced by:  Martin B. Cohen and Hunt Lowrey
Co-produced by: Roger Corman (uncredited)
Directed by:  Barbara Peeters
Story by:  Frank Arnold and Matin B. Cohen
Screenplay by:  Frederick James
Original Music by: James Horner
Starring:
Jim Hill............................DOUG McCLURE
Carol Hill.........................CINDY WEINTRAUB
Dr. Susan Drake...............ANN TURKEL
Johnny Eagle...................ANTHONY PENA
Hank Slattery...................VIC MORROW
Linda Beale.....................DENISE GALIK
Peggy Larson...................LYNN THIEL
Jerry Potier......................MEEGAN KING
Tommy Hill.......................BRECK COSTIN
Deke (Deke?) Jensen........HOKE (HOKE?) HOWELL
Dickie Moore....................DON MAXWELL

Featuring music by Jo Williams and her Whitewater Boys (yawwwwwnnn..)

Run Time: 80 minutes
Color

My First Troy McClure Review
It is my distinct honor and privilege to announce that "Humanoids From the Deep' is the first Schlockarama review I have done of a movie with that King of Tacky Actors, Troy, I mean, Doug McClure (or as his obvious counterpart, Troy, on The Simpsons might say: "You might remember me from such movies as 'The President's Necktie Is Missing' and 'Humanoids From the Deep' with Jo Williams and her Whitewater Boys!").

There's A Monster on the Beach--Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
You just know that this is the kind of schlock that I adore -- a monster or monsters roaming the beaches. Only these monsters are slightly different than others you may have seen in other beach monster bingo films. These are part Chinook salmon, part human and part Hugh Hefner. I am here to tell you that these are some real horny hump-and-git-it amorous amphibians!

They Kill Men and Dogs But Are Seaside Stud Muffins for the Lady Folk
Our tale of sex and seafood begins in the idyllic Pacific Northwest fishing village of Noyo (No?Yo!). This movie has the feel of some 70's or early 80's made for TV movie starting out on the docks of Noyo (No?Yo!) where fisherman Jim Hill (hereinafter known as "Troy McClure") and his brother Tommy (hereinafter known as "Face")are trading chicken-of-the-sea stories with local Cretin, thug, bigot and fisherman Hank Slattery (hereinafter known as "Bocephus") played by Vic Morrow of "Combat!" and "Twilight Zone: The Movie" fame. Bocephus snarls whenever he sees fellow fisherman and all-around good guy Johnny Eagle (hereinafter known as Jeep Eagle), an American Indian living amongst Bocephus and his Green-Teethed Bubba Brigade of assorted local white trash and hooligans. We also meet an incidental fisherman and his young son who will be the first victims of the humanoids from the deep--they thought they had a "big catch"--what they would end up with, however, were some horny hump-and-git-it amorous amphibians that would end up eating the kid and blowing up the trawler.

The next victim of the horny hump-and-git-it amorous amphibians was Troy McClure's pet dog Barron. Now, killin' dogs (lessin' they try to kill you, your kids or your pets) is an offense punishable by death in my imaginary dictatorship, so I'm already exceptionally torqued at these piss-poor products from a Petrie dish. Before you can say "Charlie the Tuna" these ichthyologic nightmares have killed all the dogs on Noyo's (No?Yo!) docks except for the one belonging to good guy Jeep Eagle. Needless to say, this sends Bocephus and his Green-Teethed Bubba Brigade into their fourteenth racist spouting bitchin' session of the day--I believe it was 9 A.M. PDT at that time.

Synchronicity--Your Key to Kwality Klassik Tacky Movies
This movie is filled with many evolving sub plots to move it along. Next, we pan to some scantily-clad sweet young thang combing her hair while a horny hump-and-git-it amorous amphibian is presumably lurking outside her house. Ms. Thang has a large eating utensil in her hands ready to skewer the Super Size Salmon, when, lo and behold, it's only her dim-witted boyfriend, who looks like a poor man's Scott Baio.

The Annual Noyo (No?Yo!) Salmon Festival
Ah yes, springtime is in the air, when a young man's fancy in the Pacific Northwest turns to the incredibly boring music of Jo Williams and her Whitewater Boys at the Annual Noyo (No?Yo!) Salmon Festival. Looking like escapees from the old Shakey's Pizza Parlor, JW and her WWBs will definitely cure your insomnia--I can't believe that anyone under the age of 70 at this festival was actually dancing to this dribble. Good God y'all, dig up old acts like Rick Dees doing "Disco Duck", the Silver Convention doing "Fly Robin Fly", Gloria Gaynor doing "I Will Survive", ANYTHING BUT THIS!

Baby You Can CanCo Too!
Mercifully, the Mayor stops JW and her WWBs long enough to introduce representatives from CanCo, a salmon canning company that intends to build a cannery in Noyo (No?Yo!). First up is the President, Charles Borden who exclaims that his cannery "Will be the best thing to Noyo (No?Yo!) since God created the river and the ocean! In addition, it will provide jobs! jobs! jobs! (Borden had probably just left from Florida where he was probably involved in some scam of the elderly). This is music to the ears of most the fisherman and remaining Anglo flotsam and jetsam. Next to bat is Assistant President James Edwards and genetic scientist Dr. Susan Drake (hubba! hubba!). Dr. Drake waxes pathetic about how upstream from town she has been doing recombinant DNA testing over the past seven years in order to create a larger more prolific super salmon--let me repeat this for those of you who don't see a connection here, Dr. Drake waxes pathetic about how upstream from town she has been doing recombinant DNA testing over the past seven years in order to create a larger more prolific super salmon! After the CanCo flacks give their dog and pony show, we are further tortured by the sounds of JW and her WWBs.

Synchronicity-Your Key to Kwality Klassik Tacky Movies
Everyone seems to be enjoying the Salmon Festival with the exception of good guy and American Indian Jeep Eagle who spoils the party by taking his poor dead Husky to the party and accusing Bocephus of killing. Needless to say, this forces bad guy bigot Bocephus and his Green-Teethed Bubba Brigade into beating the Bejeesus out of poor Jeep Eagle. But Troy McClure comes in to save the day as he joins the fray before local law enforcement finally fires shots in the air to cool the raging testosterone of Noyo's (No?Yo!) male population.

Synchronicity-Your Key to Kwality Klassik Tacky Movies
While this fight is occurring, Ms. Thang and the poor man's Scott Baio are parked next door making smoochies in the bed of a pick-up truck. I have no idea what this scene added to the movie, but included it anyway.

Troy McClure's Fish Stories
"You think that's something? I once caught a horny hump-and-git-it amorous amphibian that was THIS BIG!"

Next we pan to Troy McClure and Dr. Drake fishing for humanoids and searching caves on the nearby shorelines. You see, Dr. Drake has pretty much figured out that these creatures were her doing (remember--"Dr. Drake waxes pathetic about how upstream from town she has been doing recombinant DNA testing over the past seven years in order to create a larger more prolific super salmon!")

Synchronicity-Your Key to Kwality Klassik Tacky Movies
While Captain Ahab (Troy) and his maties are in search of Moby Salmon, Ms. Thang and the poor man's Scott Baio are frolicking on the beach building up to doing the big nasty. But alas, this will not happen as the poor man's Scott Baio gets his face ripped off by a horny hump-and-git-it amorous amphibian that then has its way with Ms. Thang (such scenes do not inspire horror, terror, rage or even revulsion--actually they inspire uninhibited laughter).

Synchronicity-Your Key to Kwality Klassik Tacky Movies
While Captain Ahab (Troy) and his maties are in search of Moby Salmon, Ms. Thang and the poor man's Scott Baio have been raped and killed, Bocephus and his Green-Teethed Bubba Brigade decide to take the law into their own hands (bet that was a surprise to find out, huh?) and pay Jeep Eagle a visit once they found out that Eagle was getting himself a big city lawyer to issue an injunction against the canning plant being built.

Cocktails Anyone? I'll Take A Molotov, Thank You!
Bocephus and his Green Teethed Bubba Brigade take their over-capacity Jon boat upstream to Jeep Eagle's house and nuke it with Molotov cocktails -- to make matters worse, the horny hump-and-git-it amorous amphibians start crawling out of the water smashing Face's face into Jeep's boat dock, and hitching a ride with Face's girlfriend which leads to an explosive ending for the girl and the fish. Jeep Eagle manages to polish off the humanoids like he's at a rifle range and bolts into Noyo (No?Yo!) with Troy's battered brother.

Biology 101- Dr. Drake Style
Dr. Drake shows Troy and Jeep a two-minute, high-school, stock-footage film featuring copulating frogs while mumbling something about "DNA 5" -- I think that's what Dr. Utonium invented the Power Puff girls with -- the active ingredient that turns normal salmon into horny hump-and-git-it amorous amphibians and doubles as a cheap acne medication.

The Annual Noyo (No?Yo!) Salmon Festival-Revisited
It is now nighttime, and along the seaside midway of the Annual Noyo (No?Yo!) Salmon Festival, the sounds of Jo Williams and her Whitewater Boys again pollutes the air like a scene out of 1800's London or Donora, Pennsylvania in the 1940s. But alas, as the buxomly Salmon Queen is flirting with the Festival's announcer with KFSH (Fish-get it? KFSH) radio, the mayor pleads with JW and her WWBs to PLEEEAAAASSSE speed up the music -- once they do HUNDREDS of humanoids emerge from the nearby waters to ravage, rape, pillage and generally screw up what was meant to be a fun evening for the family. In this scene we are treated to humanoids flambeau (ahhh--- the aroma of smoked salmon!), and humanoids riding the carousel horsies.

The Humanoids Know How to Strut Their Stuff!
The humanoids in the midway scene are memorable as they look like Sherman Hemsley doing his old George Jefferson strut on "The Jeffersons". Outside of that I've learned that the most enjoyable way to kill a humanoid from the deep is to use drain cleaner on it, and stab it repeatedly. Repeat as often as necessary until you obtain desired results.

All in all, a good flick!

Hero of the Movie:   Jeep Eagle

Villain of the Movie:   Bocephus and his Green-Teethed Bubba Brigade

Heroine of the Movie:   Carol Hill

Villainess of the Movie:   Dr. Susan Drake--you naughty girl--creating those horny hump-and-git-it amorous amphibian humanoids from the deep!


The movie synopsis and review of "Humanoids From The Deep" is ©2003 by William Moriaty. "Schlockarama™" is a part of Crazed Fanboy™ dotcom and all contents are ©2003 by Nolan B. Canova

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