Movie review by William Moriaty
Eve.........ANDREA ALLAN
The opening credits start out with an orange background and what I presume is supposed to be the figure of bat. All this time some skanky-sounding burlesque jazz accompanies this bizarre graphics show, while at the end of the song a voice utters "Cool 'n bad, heah comes dah vam-pie-uh!"
The opening scene is of candles burning in a Transylvania castle. We saw an aerial view of someone sitting in a chair trying to read by candlelight. Next comes a knocking at the door and in walks a butler. Sitting in the chair is Count Vladimir Dracula, portrayed by, of all people, David Niven. "Candles are impossible to read by!" he exclaims. Quicker than you can say "Reddy Kilowatt" the electricity is turned back on allowing Dracula to continue reading his latest copy of, you ready for this? Playboy magazine!
"Did you ever see prettier veins?' he asks his butler, followed by "On page 53 is an outstanding jugular!" He later waxes pathetic about how four Playboy bunnies are "Coming here to find the most bitable Playmate!" With their blood he plans to resurrect his dearly departed "Vampira" who's been dead for fifty years.
More awful 70's music and Heathrow Upon arrival at Vlad's Pad, the butler dresses as a vampire while Drac plays straight man. Serving of dinner features pipe organ music with buttons that are pulled featuring "Thunder", "Howling Dogs" and "Flying Bats" to amuse the clueless guest and bimbettes who perceive, of course, that this is all just harmless fun.
Soon our air-headed bimbettes get sleepy and steal off to their shared bedroom. Once asleep, Drac and his butler begin drawing blood from the young ladies in order to resurrect his dearly beloved "Vampira". Once the vials have been gathered, there is confusion as to whose blood belonged to whom.
The procedure begins as Glad Vlad starts pumping the body of Vampira with blood. He starts to notice that Vampira is changing color - - getting darker. "Isn't changing color unusual? It's impossible!" he exclaims. 'Fraid you've been had Vlad! Up awakes a very pretty young black woman instead of the white Transylvanian that he knew and loved.
Vampira: " Vladimir! How long has it been?"
Drac-baby: "Fifty years!"
Vampira: "I'm black!"
Drac-honey: "Very! Black is beautiful! (oh brother!)"
Drac-sugar then laments to the butler "What went wrong? I wait fifty years and she comes back a different color!"
By morning, Marc Williams and his Playmates have already left for foggy ol' England. But Sad-Vlad wants his dearly beloved "Vampira" returned to her former Caucasian white glory, so he and the butler and Vampira fly (this time in a jet aircraft) on Transylvania Airlines (I ain't makin' that up!) to London.
Once at their hotel room, Drac hits the bricks. Not long afterward, the hotel maid closes the window that Drac-baby-honeybunny left open so he could fly back in when he has done with his walk - - I think you can guess what that's gonna result in!
Marc Gets Marked Several hours later Williams is back at his Seventies swingin' bachelor pad when rings the phone. A voice on the other end says "Vampira"
"I see and I obey master", or some silliness like that is uttered out of Williams's mouth.
What terrible things might Williams be driven to do by the "Don't Get Mad, Get Glad Vlad?" Only one way to find out, get this video!
Favorite Lines:
Butler: "You rang a bell in my head, sir?"
Vampira: "You jive turkey!"
Columbia Pictures and World Film Services Productions (Great Britain)
American International Pictures (United States:)
Produced By: Jack H. Wiener
Directed By: Clive Donner
Screenplay: Jeremy Lloyd
Starring:
Count Dracula............DAVID NIVEN
Vampira....................TERESA GRAVES
Angela......................JENNIE LINDEN
Marc Williams............NICKY HENSON
Mal Travers................PETER BAYLISS
Pottinger...................BERNARD BRESSLAU
Helga........................LINDA HAYDEN
Mr. King....................FRANK THORNTON
Jane.........................CAROL CLEVELAND
Victor Gilmore............FREDDIE JONES
Pottinger's Secretary...LUAN PETERS
Powerman..................BEN ARIS
Air Hostess................MAREA FOX
Drunk........................DAVID ROWLANDS
The "Playmates":
Ritva.......VERONICA CARLSON
Rose.......MINAH BIRD
Nanev......CATHIE SHIRRIF
Music: "Vampira" Theme music and lyrics by Anthony Newely
Sung by: The Majestics
Run Time: 87 minutes
Color
Meanwhile, back in Merry Old England, Playboy author Marc Williams gathers up his four Playboy bunnies for a madcap trip to visit ol' Vamp Vlad in his cozy castle in Transylvania. Amongst the four "Playmates" is Rose, a nubile black woman. Williams, who wrote an article titled "Count Dracula, Fact or Fiction" thinks to himself, "Four bitable Playmates off to Transylvania to spend the night at Castle Dracula. How did I get mixed up in this mess?" Poor Marc - - I'll bet he just hates the thought of whisking off from Heathrow in that BAE Trident jet along with four hot-to-trot bimbettes for a night of fun and frivolity in Romania.
Vlad proposes to get the "proper" Playmate's blood by having Vampira seduce Marc Williams and kidnap him so that Drac can due a partial bite on him in order to make him his slave. He hypnotizes Williams and tells him that whenever he hears the word "Vampira", Williams is to "understand and obey!" He then gives him a pair of vampire dentures that have fangs capable of drawing blood from any of the three remaing (and white) Playmates.
The movie synopsis and review of "Old Dracula" is ©2004 by William Moriaty. "Schlockarama™" is a part of Crazed Fanboy™ dotcom and all contents are ©2004 by Nolan B. Canova