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The Asian ApertureCool Dimension: Innocent Assassin
POSTED BY JASON FETTERS, March 4, 2012    Share

Once in a while there comes a film that changes your life and forces you to view everything with a fresh perspective; Cool Dimension: Innocent Assassin isnít it. Iím not sure how I even heard about it. I just remember that the DVD arrived from Netflix last Thursday. With low expectations, I put n the DVD and hit play. That was my mistake.

Cool Dimension: Innocent Assassin begins with three women, who were kidnapped and trained from a young age to be deadly assassins. The single best scene is right at the beginning when Shiori, played by sci fi genre actor, Yoko Mitsuya, storms into a night club and beats all the men in the room. Shiori has quick kicks, punches, grappling grabs, and some Matrixesque back flips and she tears through various gangsters. Then she spots her target, a dorky overweight guy, who she manages to sneak up behind and gets him into a headlock. Then her small gun comes out and boom, lights out. If the movie ended there, it would not have been a total loss.

Following a fairly decent action scene, although Mitsuya could have used rehearsing because her martial arts moves looked jerky and poorly executed, the movie progresses into almost total boredom. Always a bad sign when you contemplate how white your microwave popcorn is rather than watching the actual movie. Shiori has just been assigned a new target. She gets a job as a reporter for the quietest office in Tokyo. Nothing ever happens at work. Everyone quietly works, picks up a paycheck, and leaves. A boring series of shots of people working with computers that slows down Cool Dimension considerably. Director Ishii Yoshikazu really should have created some drama here, office politics, or anything. Shioriís editor assigns her to his top reporter for on the job training. This is a man who repeatedly tries to ask her out to which she never says yes. Anyway, they go out on assignment, sitting around in a car with very little dialogue between the two. A fellow co-worker is kidnapped and beaten and you donít really care because by this point you just want to see the end credits.

Moving along to avoid a catatonic state from the viewer, is scenes of Shiori watching film footage of the man she has to kill. He comes across as a likeable family man and the fact that he has a young daughter reminds Shiori of her violent past when she was crying after gangsters killed her parents. A mysterious man picks her up to raise her to become a killer. Unfortunately, you donít believe Shiori is all that strong because Yoko Mitsuya is doing such an awful job at attempting to portray how tough she is. You would find stronger and meaner characters at any given elementary school. At this point I fell asleep. Iím not sure how long I was out. The phone rang and I talked for a good 20-minutes and then decided to rewind it in the slight chance I missed anything important. I didnít.

I begged for this movie to end. Finally the big showdown happened with one girl turning on Shiori and the other assassin, who gets shot and killed. The targeted man is tied up and carried off by a gang of females with pipes. Shiori fights against her fellow assassin, Junko, in one of the most uninspiring fights of all time. Lame kicks, badly timed punches and some stupid gunplay, just wanted me to see the end credits. Short version, somehow the tied up man gets killed during the scuffle. Shiori shoots Junko in an uninspiring scene and then the last scene. Shiori tells her boss that she never longer wants any more assignments. She walks down a long hallway and she sees a family with a young daughter walking by, then she gets shot in the head. It was meant to be tragic, I laughed out loud because I was hoping no one would ever make a sequel to this putrid pile of trash. Finally the end credits, the best part of the entire movie and is miles ahead of the brief opening action sequence.

No one involved in Cool Dimension: Innocent Assassin should be allowed in front or behind a camera again. The acting, if you want to call it that, was just bad. No emotion at all in the characterís voices, no vocal inflections, just a flat deadbeat tone that hurts the ears. There was barely any emotion at all in the faces of the actors. Director Ishii Yoshikazu should never get another project. Not even film school can help him. I am still internally hemorrhaging from how bad this is. You would get a more exciting fight between two friends kicking each other in the shins. If I ever see Ishii walking around, I need to have a chat with him and encourages him to go back into being a cab driver or whatever occupation he previously held. By no means does he need another script and a go ahead on any future movies.

Cool Dimension: Innocent Assassin is direct to video. It falls into the same category as all those bad movies that Blockbusters used to rent back in the 80ís. The ones with the nice covers with the worst movies ever made hiding behind.

Avoid this trash pile like the plague. Not even calling up your friends to make fun of this can provide the slightest entertainment value.

Easily one of the worst action movies I have ever seen and the fact that I fell asleep more than once should say something. Only view this is you are a bad movie masochist.

Ĺ of a star for the end credits (which to be fair were nicely done.)

"The Asian Aperture" is ©2012 by Jason Fetters. All contents of Crazed Fanboy are ©2012 by Nolan B. Canova and Terence Nuzum.

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