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The Asian ApertureThe Eternal Evil of Asia
POSTED BY JASON FETTERS, October 22, 2012    Share

From the sheer title alone, you would think that you would be experiencing something great. In the beginning, you see a pale ghost boy watching a movie in a crowded movie theater. He asks a random guy next to him to take him to the bathroom and then the narrator explains that you will never return if you grant the boyís request.

Next, a man is yelling at his wife and son and sends his son to his room. Suddenly he sees ghosts that shove mouthfuls of ramen noodles in his mouth. However, worms are moving around with the ramen so he forced to eat it all. He takes a knife and angrily slashes at the ghosts. When he comes to, his wife and son are dead. Someone is knocking at the door. He opens it and thinks he sees ghosts again and starts slashing. So begins the nightmarish bloodbath that can only be The Eternal Evil of Asia.

This Hong Kong horror comedy has a lot of sex in it. From Mayís horny boyfriend, Bon, to the sexy hairdressers discussing how to arouse men at the salon, to Thai prostitutes, and even ghost rape.

In one weird scene, an evil wizard uses a voodoo doll, causing Bon to be impotent by placing something around the voodoo dollís penis. Despite his Mayís best attempts to get him aroused, including a strip tease, nothing works. Finally, Mayís throws him out of her apartment and locks the door until he can learn to be a real man. That is when the wizard takes something off the voodoo dollís penis and Bon is fully erect yet can to nothing but pound on the door and beg to be let back in, which doesnít happen.

It is hard to make sense of this movie. Four Chinese guys from Hong Kong decide to take a trip to Thailand that quite naturally turns into a sex trip. They show up at a bar and quickly discover that the women inside have aids. They run out into the woods as angry Thai men carrying hatchets chase after them. Somehow they manage to escape and hide in a strange house. It is actually the home of a wizard. He orders them not to leave because other wizards are outside and are itching for a fight. Just as in kung fu movies, kung fu artists love to practice their skills, so do wizards love to compete to see who is the strongest. The Thai wizard promises to protect his friends and goes outside to face his competition. This involves male and female wizards who start attacking him by placing him inside a giant placenta that will turn his body into blood and water unless he can act quickly. Somehow he escapes and the best is yet to come. The wizards explain that having sex will cause them to join together and thus become more powerful. They both strip and the woman flies up into the air with her butt sticking out as the male gets behind her and they fly through the sky having sex. With each penetrating pelvic thrust, fireballs shoot out from their combined sex organs and explode on the ground. This has to be one of the strangest displays of magical combat I have ever seen. Sadly, both are defeated before organism is reached.

The wizard has a lovely sister who falls in love with Bon, except Bon loves his girlfriend May. She tricks her brother into mixing up a love hex spell. This is delivered to their hotel room. Bonís friends open a heart shaped box and are overcome with passion. They enter the girlís room and have group sex all night long. The next morning, she is disappointed that she slept with Bonís loser friends and takes a knife and starts attacking them. During the scuffle she is killed and her wizard brother vows vengeance.

So he takes a trip to Hong Kong and begins killing them off one by one. May befriends a female wizard who agrees to help. Unfortunately she isnít strong enough and is almost killed helping.

May desires to save Bonís life at all costs. As the evil wizard begins to kill him, she cries out that she will do anything to stop him. He commands her to be his sex slave and she is forced to agree. Next, he tells her to kiss her which involves May kissing the air and the naked wizard in another room grunting. Then she is forced to perform oral sex on a ghost. This really doesnít look well. You see May pretending to hold a penis and opening her mouth wide while the wizardís remarks taunt her. It is just so awful to see her blowing into empty air. If that isnít enough to make a bad movie truly terrible, she is ghost raped from behind. The idea being that when a wizard has an organism, he is weak for a few seconds and venerable to attack.

My favorite part of the entire movie is the end. As May is getting checked out at the hospital, Bon smiles at her and tells her how much he loves her and that they should get married soon. He asks her what she had to do to save his life. May laughs off his question like nothing happened. Then a nurse enters the room and tells her she is pregnant. Cue the evil wizard whose ghost face appears and says that he will follow them forever. After that the credits roll and I canít think of a time when I was so happy to see end credits.
Apart from the opening scene, which was well done, and the humorous ending, The Eternal Evil of Asia, didnít work for me at all. The comedy bits were more shocking then the blood and gore. It might have helped to drink a few beers to get in the right state of mind to view this.

Definitely not for me and not something I will watch repeatedly to see if there is anything worth liking about it.

I was hoping that The Eternal Evil of Asia would get me in the Halloween mood but it just made me sorry that I watched the entire movie. Please donít think less of me for watching this, I had no idea what was going to happen.

1 Star, Avoid unless you have a hunger from the Strange, Bad, and Weird.

"The Asian Aperture" is ©2012 by Jason Fetters. All contents of Crazed Fanboy are ©2012 by Nolan B. Canova and Terence Nuzum.

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