To Readers:
I received this e-mail erroneously, I believe, from an organization called "The Association of Ex-Headbangers Turned Republicans". I'm guessing that it was originally intended for Nolan (based on what's contained in the e-mail), but sent to me mistakenly. I took the liberty of submitting it to N'sPCR, figuring that Nolan would take it for the e-mail spam it is, and thus green-light its publication. I thought it was mildly amusing, so I'd like to share it with you with Nolan's blessing. --Andy
Dear Mr. Canova,
Greetings and salutations from all our members here of The Association of Ex-Headbangers Turned Republicans! Perhaps I should welcome you with a hearty rendition of our official greeting; here goes; *AHEM*: "Gluten-Gleeten-Gloutin-Globin'"! Tee-hee! Hope you enjoyed that, Mr. Canova.
I was perusing the internet the other day, and stumbled upon your fantastic website "Pop Culture Fanboy". I noted a picture on the site which was a snapshot of yourself as a younger lad along with another fellow named Corey Castellano (Re: PCR #232.--N). My, you looked so different then, but didn't all we ex-Headbangers? I simply loved your Ozzy shirt! Do you have any idea what that would fetch nowadays on eBay? My, you're sitting on a goldmine! And who would have thought Ozzy would have been the subject of a (now passé) TV reality show?
The purpose of this letter, Mr. Canova, is to invite you into our organization of The Association of Ex-Headbangers Turned Republicans; currently our membership consists of two, including myself. We are seeking to expand our base, obviously. Now, after learning more about you via your "Pop Culture Fanboy" website, I realize you may at this point not lean politically the same way we do. According to our calculations, you should have switched parties two decades ago.
Our organization, TAEHTR for short, is involved in several worthy causes. Here are just some of them:
- A petition to get Ted Nugent's face portrayed on Mt. Rushmore.
- Financial assistance to the legal defense fund of Rob Halford, who is alleged to have had a threesome with Boy George and Klaus Nomi while the singer from "Taco" watched (super-duper!).
- Donating asbestos-lined firesuits to all concertgoers at Great White shows.
- Collaborative essays by our members, featuring such subjects as "Killer Dwarves: Trash Metal or Overlooked Geniuses?"
- Support a TAEHTR-sponsored, grass-roots movement to have the Sign of the Beast changed from "666" to "DIO".
- Charity fund-raisers for Dee Snyder's sex change operation.
- 10% member discount at the Alice Cooper Open.
As you can see, the benefits of joining TAEHTR are many. Though we are small in number, we are big in ambition. We have forsaken our Satan-Worshipping ways of the past in place of a more docile existence. We may no longer "bang our heads", but our hearts now belong to the Republican party. Yes, our dragon-slaying days are history, but we have moved on to a greater calling. Metal Health no longer drives us mad. I personally recall the days when we used to gang-wedgie "Culture Club" fans in 1983; dear God I wish I could erase those memories. It is time for all ex-Headbangers to place our moldy electric guitars on the altar of Thor, the God of Thunder, and witness him whisk it through the gates of Asgaard.
I implore you to consider joining, Mr. Canova. Your intelligence, creativity, and writing talents would be a great benefit to our humble group. So Cum on Feel the Noise. Enlist this instant!
Signed,
Ronnie James Winger (ex-member of Stryper),
President
TAEHTR
Nolan here --- Hi guys, and thanks for writing! Sorry to inform you I already joined the "Society of Ex-Headbangers Turned Libertarians", or SEHTL (pronounced "settle") but we're apparently working towards similar goals! Love the idea about Nugent and Halford, but have to nix the 666/Dio switch. The beast is actually a presidential candidate. I guess you all continued to party pretty hardy after I retired from metal since you mangled my domain name and can't tell the difference between Andy Lalino's email and mine, but we're a tight-knit group so no matter who you accidentally send it to, I'll likely get it. Keep smokin' that good shit, bro'!
Well, keep up the good work and always remember: BANG YOUR HEEEEEEEAAADDDDDDDD!!!!!!!! ---Nolan
"Oddservations" is ©2004 by Andy Lalino. The Oddservations banner is a creation of Andy Lalino. All other graphics are creations of Nolan B. Canova. All contents of Nolan's Pop Culture Review are ©2004 by Nolan B. Canova.
