THIS WEEK'S MOVIE REVIEW "The Alamo"  by Mike Smith

ODDSERVATIONS Cinematic Cover Tunes, Sequels, and "Inspired-by's": No End in Sight!  by Andy Lalino

VINNIE VIDI VICI D-Rice, Ache-ins Diet, and Absolutely Nothing About “The Passion of Christ”  by Vinnie Blesi

SPLASH PAGE Four Movies in Three Days, the Screening Nazi, The Alamo, The Clone Wars, Scooby Doo 2, Jersey Girl, Hellboy, Dawn of the Dead  by Brandon Jones

CREATURE'S CORNER Midnite Terrors .... Hellboy .... Marvel Trading Cards  by John Lewis

MATT'S RAIL Bush--The Amazing Hypnotist....Happy Horror-Days  by Matt Drinnenberg

MIKE'S RANT It Was 25 Years Ago Today....Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid....Passing On....Meet The Beatles, Part 12  by Mike Smith

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Warning: the following contains satirical content and celebrity/political parodies and is meant for entertainment purposes only. No actual animals were harmed in the writing of this column, other than those in the Spam.

D-Rice, Ache-ins diet, and absolutely nothing about “The Passion of Christ” (it’s an Easter miracle!)

Condoleezza Rice: noun 1) a bland high-carb side dish that sits quietly next to the meat entrée and only speaks when directed to. 2) George W. Bush’s security advisor

I am officially nominating Dr. Rice for an Academy award for best supporting performance by a politician.

Look for Dr. Rice’s new CD, D-Rice, which will feature a duet with Jessica Simpson to be released this fall. However the cd will be available on Kazaa next week.

I started my Dr. Ache-ins high carb and chocolate diet this week, which is obviously the same diet that Kirstie Alley is following. I had a whole loaf of French bread for breakfast and a pound of spaghetti for lunch.

As I sat next to Dr. Ache-ins on his death bed, his fat bloated body wading in a sea of incontinence, he kept yelling, “Bitch, get me more pie”. Not really knowing what he was talking about I assumed he wanted mincemeat.

To test the Ache-ins diet I set up 13 monkeys in a laboratory setting (OK, it was a dirty cage in my backyard) and sprayed shampoo in their eyes 3 times a day for a week. All the monkeys lost weight, so the only scientific conclusion I could come to is that spraying shampoo in your eyes is as effective as the Ache-ins diet (don’t try this at home kids, and remember animal cruelty is a felony unless you are a medical researcher).

While I was in the backyard, I did notice some mysterious white goo oozing up from the ground. The stray cats in the neighborhood have been eating it and are now as large as my import car. Should I be worried? By the way the white goo is great with peanut butter and Wonder bread.

Increased cases of polio, rickets, and dementia have yet to be confirmed in those participating in the Ache-ins diet plan. However intestinal blockage and increased gas have been confirmed, leading to speculation that the sperm whale that exploded in Taiwan may have been on the Ache-ins diet. A "tell all" book to be released later this year by Dr. Ache-ins former lab assistant asserts that the late Dr. actually got the idea for his diet from the Monty Python sketch “Spam”.

Which reminds me, are sardines sushi for the homeless?