LA FLORIDIANA The Keys To A Great Vacation, Part One  by Will Moriaty
MOVIE REVIEW "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story"  by Mike Smith
ODDSERVATIONS Soggy Noodle Awards - First Annual  by Andy Lalino
RETRORAMA Time Warp Toy Box: Week 4  by ED Tucker
FANGRRL We've Come A Long Way, Baby -- Or Have We? From 1972 To 2007  by Lisa Ciurro
MATT'S RAIL Hitler Is Good?... NFL Gets It Right .... Story Of The Year  by Matt Drinnenberg
MIKE'S RANT The Year That Was .... Thanks For Everything .... Finally! .... Fanboy Calendar .... They Said It .... Passing On .... Sorry I Missed You, Part 2 .... by Mike Smith
LETTERS
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Coming to you LIVE from the Oddservations Oddservatory in sunny Clearwater, Florida...the first annual Soggy Noodle Awards! Most movie award shows honor the best - and worst - of the year's offerings, but we're different! The Soggy Noodle Awards dishonors movies of the fantastic (and not-so-fantastic) genres that incorporate overblown CGI , are blatantly mainstream, insufferably juvenile, pander to celebrity star power and gossip, or are otherwise completely devoid of any appeal to the Cult Movie Lover. Here in 2008, you can pretty much guess that most all films released meet or exceed these embarrassing qualifications.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are far, far removed from the '70s and early '80s when you take a look at the crap heap defecated on us year after year. In response, we here at the Oddservations Oddservatory seek to reinvigorate the love and passion fanboys once had for the venerable low-budget Cult Movie. Many a Crazed Fanboy out there, over the years, have decided to abandon the Cult Movie in favor of $250 million CGI wonderscape spectacles - I guess they want the biggest bang for their buck after plunking down their hard-earned $9.50 for a ticket at the local megaplex . And let's not forget our best fiends, the mainstream moviegoer, who could care less if independent films are released - they want to get their fill of super-celebs and uber-CGI else they feel they're not getting their money's worth. With an audience mix such as this bunch, it's no wonder one can no longer find an independent film - horror/sci-fi or otherwise - at your local theater.

So, without further ado, I'd like to introduce you to our master of ceremonies...PUTZO - The Clown Who Loves Bad Fandom!

Putzo: "Eh, all ya knumbnutted Cult Movie Fans out there! 'Ere's a kick in the balls to 'ya - the first anal Soggy Noodle Awardz! Dis' 'ere is my domain - the bloated budget, studio-released sci-fi/fantasy/horror films! And I don't just stop there - my favorite station is 'da Sci-Fi Channel! God, I loved 'dat 'Tin Man' mini-series!!! 'Eh, I'm digressing, but you get 'da point - Cult Movie Fan, PUTZO is 'yer wurst nightmare! The '70s and early '80s are DEAD, turdbrains! 'Dis is 'de era of 'Wall-E' and 'Enchanted' - so get with 'da program!!!"

"Before we begin with 'de Soggy Noodles, I'd like to sing our mainstream anthem. *Ahem*:
Oh thank you, Dreamworks, Dizney and Fox,
For turning our theaters into a Day Care box!
Shreks and Potters and Compasses Gold,
These pixellated penguins are gettin' old!
Power-budgets of $500 mil,
Just so Xbox-heads can get their fill!
Can't you toss a Cult Movie Fan a bone?
Or else us fanboys will beat you off your throne!

Category 1: The 'Happy Feet' Pixxelized Penguin Award to the worst kiddie-krud moovie of the year!
"Didja see that talking jackass? Wow-wee!!!"
The nominees are:
1. 'Schmuck the Turd'
2. 'Bee-Moovie'
God, this is painful...
3. 'Arry Pottah and the Ordur of the Feenix'
4. 'Enchanted'
5. 'Mr. Magorium'

And the Soggy goes to...

...'Schmuck the Turd'!

Category 2: The 'Final Fantasy - The Spirits Within' Award to the most gratuitous use of CGI in a mainstream genre picture.
"Trumbull wept..."
The nominees are:
1. 'Beowulf'
2. 'The Goldun Kompazz'
3. 'Stardust'
4. 'Bridge to Terebithia'
5. 'Tweenage Mutant Turtlez'

And the Soggy goes to...

...'The Goldun Compazz!

Category 3: The 'Legally Blonde 2' Award to the Best re-tread of the year!
"That which rests between suspender straps..."
1. 'Schmuck the Turd'
2. 'Arry Pottah and the Ordur of the Feenix'
...Boy, have a feeling Schmuck's gonna take the night...
3. 'The Simpsunz Moovie'
4. 'Rush Hour 3'
5. 'Tweenage Mutant Turtlez'

And the Soggy goes to...

...'Schmuck the Turd'!

Category 4: The 'Britney Spearz' Award to the Most unabashedly gratuitous use of a super-celeb in a moovie.
"Honey! Entertainment tonight's back on!"
1. Will Smith - 'I am Legend'
2. Jessica Alba - Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
3. Nicole Kidman - 'The Goldun Kompazz'
4. Dustin Hoffman - 'Mr. Magorium'
5. Scarlett Johansen - 'The Nanny Diariez'

And the Soggy goes to...

...Scarlett Johansen in 'The Nanny Diariez'!

Category 5: The 'Julia Robertz' Award to the feemales who just can't get enough TV/Tabloid gossip. Wouldn't it be nice if they paid this much attention to Catriona MacColl or Lynn Lowry?
"I have a passion for fashion!!!"
1. Dope-rah Winfried
2. Britney Spearz
3. Lindsay Lohan
4. Paris Hilton
5. Jessica Simpson

And the Soggy goes to...

...Dope-rah, for being the pied piper of all housewives the nation over! And don't forget to vote for 'Barak Hussein Obama bin Laden'!

Bad Fandom Hall of Defame: We here at the Oddservations Oddservatory would like to recognize examples of really bad fandom that have soiled our screens since the collapse of horror/sci-fi and fantasy in the year of 1987. The list will start off at three (3) selections, and grow over time as the Soggys continue.
1. 'The Phantom Menace'
2. 'Schmuck'
3. 'Finding Lil' Nemo'

Putzo: "Well, 'dis is the moment yous all been waitin' fer...the biggest, sloppiest, most bloated, most generic motion picture experience of 'da year. God, I only wish 'dere wuz an all-new 'Star Warz' movie in 'dis category..."

The Pixxar Award to the Most Mainstream Film of the Year:
1. 'Schmuck the Turd'
2. 'Arry Pottah and the Ordur of the Feenix'
3. 'Enchanted'
4. 'Rush Hour 3'
5. 'Bee-Moovie'

AND THE SOGGY GOES TO:

...SCHMUCK THE TURD!!!

Putzo: "Well, 'dere you have it, lemmings. 'Till next year, see 'ya at the megaplex er the $2 DVD bin at your local Gun-N-Pawn.

Well! Congratulations to Schmuck for sweeping the Soggys this year, as I'm sure it will for years to come. Well, as we wrap up the first annual Soggys, here's to hoping that your moviegoing selections are more original, demanding and interesting than these examples of generic, soulless, computer-generated atrocities.

May your Cult Movie choices be plentiful and your noodles firm.

---

"Oddservations" is ©2007 by Andy Lalino.  The Oddservations banner is a creation of Andy Lalino. All other graphics, except where otherwise noted, are creations of Nolan B. Canova.  All contents of Nolan's Pop Culture Review are ©2007 by Nolan B. Canova.